Emotional and mental abuse involves a person behaving in certain ways to control, isolate, or scare somebody else. Abuse may take the form of statements, threats, or actions, and there may be a pattern or regularity to the behavior.
Signs of emotional abuse can be subtle. Sometimes, the signs may be clearer from outside the situation.
Learning more about the signs of emotional abuse can help people seek help for themselves or others.
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Controlling behavior is emotionally abusive.
- Treating the person as though they are a child: This might include the following behaviors:
- telling them what to eat, what to wear, or where they can go
- making demands or orders and expecting them to be fulfilled
- making all decisions, even canceling another’s plans without asking
- exerting financial control, such as by keeping accounts in their name or only giving the other person an allowance
- Continually monitoring another person’s whereabouts and activities: A person might behave in the following ways:
- insisting on regular calls, texts, or pictures describing where the person is
- showing up to these places to make sure they are not lying
- requiring immediate responses to calls or texts
- looking through their communications with others
- demanding the person’s passwords for their phone and online accounts
- Manipulative behaviors: These may involve:
- yelling, which is frequently a scare tactic
- manipulating a person’s fears to control them
- withholding affection or trying to make a person feel they are undeserving of love
- giving excessive gifts with the implication that these gifts may disappear at any time, or as a reminder of what the person would lose if they left the relationship
Learn about familial manipulation.
People who behave in abusive ways
- Lectures: The person may lecture the individual they are abusing.
- Outbursts: Not doing what the person wants may result in an outburst of anger from them. This is an attempt to control the other person and make them feel shame for “not listening.”
- Lies: People who behave in abusive ways may blatantly lie, for example, they might tell the other person false opinions from their friends about their “bad” behavior.
- Walkouts: The person may leave a situation rather than staying to resolve any issues. This can be an attempt to put all the blame on the other person and make them feel ashamed.
- Trivializing: The person may criticize the person they are abusing for trying to talk about issues or problems, or tell them they are making a big deal out of nothing.
Blame typically stems from a sense of insecurity on the part of the person behaving in abusive ways. This may take many forms, such as:
- Jealousy: Jealousy can be an abuse tactic. The person may regularly confront the other individual for talking to or “flirting with” other people, or they may accuse them of cheating.
- Playing the victim: They may try to “turn the tables” on the other person by blaming them for issues. They may even accuse the other person of behaving in an abusive manner.
- Egging the other person on: The person may try to irritate the individual they are abusing until they become upset, and then criticize them for getting upset.
Abuse can involve trying to humiliate another person. This type of behavior can include:
- Name calling: Someone may call the other person harmful names, use derogatory nicknames, or insult their appearance around others. If the other person confronts them, they may try to pass these behaviors off as sarcasm or accuse the other person of “lacking a sense of humor.”
- Public displays: A person may pick fights in public and blame the other person if they become angry. They may also pick on the other person or openly make fun of them in a social setting.
- Patronizing: This may include talking down to another person for trying to learn something new, or making it obvious that they feel the other person is “not on their level.”
- Cheating: A person may cheat on their partner to hurt or humiliate them.
A person may make situations chaotic to try to keep the other individual in check. Unpredictable behaviors may include:
- emotional outbursts
- starting arguments for seemingly no reason
- drastic mood swings, such as going from being very affectionate to full of rage
- frequently making statements that contradict something they just said
- gaslighting, such as denying facts or making the other person feel as though they do not remember a situation correctly
- being charming in public or in front of others, but completely changing the minute they get home
A person may also try to make the other individual feel isolated from others,
- hiding the person’s car keys
- telling the person they cannot spend time with friends or family
- stealing, hiding, or even destroying the person’s cell phone or computer
- making fun of or belittling the person’s friends or family, to try to make the other person feel bad for spending time with them
- taking up all of the person’s free time
- locking the person in a room or the house
People who behave in abusive ways tend to act this way toward those they are very close with. For example, they may abuse a romantic partner.
However, emotional abuse may also take place in other types of relationships. For example, a person may behave this way toward the following people:
- a parent
- a caretaker
- a child in their care
- a close friend they rely on
- a business partner or colleague
Emotional and mental abuse can be very subtle at times. A person may not even notice that someone else is manipulating them.
Being able to identify these patterns can help a person who is experiencing abuse begin to seek help and support.
Help is available
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger of domestic violence, call 911 or otherwise seek emergency help. Anyone who needs advice or support can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline 24/7 via:
- phone, at 800-799-7233
- text, by texting START to 88788
Many other resources are available, including helplines, in-person support, and temporary housing. People can find local resources and others classified by demographics, such as support specifically for People of Color, here:
A person who is experiencing abuse and feels uncomfortable reaching out to services immediately may be be able to reach out to a friend or family member. Telling a trusted person may help them feel supported and less isolated.
Some people may feel that they can deal with the abuse alone or that emotional abuse is “not as bad” as physical abuse. However, emotional abuse has its own long term effects. It is also often a sign that physical abuse will follow.
Because of this, it is important to take action toward stepping away from an emotionally abusive situation. According to the BWJP, formerly called the Battered Women’s Justice Project, this may include steps such as:
- Setting boundaries: As the BWJP acknowledges, creating a hard boundary in a relationship and cutting contact can be incredibly difficult. If you feel in danger from this person during the process, contact local law enforcement or the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
- Getting professional help: Talking to a neutral party, such as a counselor, can help a person decide their next step and aid recovery in the long term. Low cost options are available, and support groups can also be helpful.
Learn more about setting boundaries.
Emotional abuse takes many forms and can be much more subtle than other forms of abuse. Help and support is available for anyone seeing the signs of emotional abuse in their relationships.
Confiding in a professional or a close friend may help a person move toward a future in which they can step away from the situation.
