Emotional intelligence (EI) refers to a person’s ability to recognize and understand their own and others’ emotions and to manage their emotions to achieve specific goals.
Whilst not always the case, a person with low EI may have difficulty maintaining relationships due to a lack of social skills or difficulty empathizing with other people. They may also find it hard to regulate their emotions and use them to guide appropriate behaviors. Others may have personality traits or coping strategies that allow them to function well in various aspects of life.
This article lists some of the signs of low EI and provides tips on how to deal with low EI in others. It also offers advice on how to increase and develop EI.
The psychologist and writer Daniel Goleman identified five key components of EI. We look at these in more detail below and provide examples.
Self-awareness
Self-awareness refers to people’s awareness of their personality, feelings, and behaviors. If a person is self-aware, they understand why they think, feel, and act the way they do.
A person with low self-awareness might not understand their feelings and reactions in a given situation.
Self-regulation
People with good self-regulation usually can control and manage their emotions appropriately. A person who self-regulates thinks before they act and does not react impulsively.
Individuals with low self-regulation may be prone to outbursts of emotion and may act without thinking. This is often correlated with lower EI but is not necessarily a defining characteristic.
Empathy
Empathy is a person’s understanding of someone else’s feelings or situation. If an individual is empathetic, they can see things from someone else’s point of view. Having empathy allows someone to be sympathetic to other people’s feelings and needs.
A person with low levels of empathy does not understand how other people are feeling. They may find it difficult to understand how their actions can affect other people.
Examples
- High EI: A person’s friend is stressed about an upcoming test. The person knows how much passing this test means to their friend, so they listen to their friend’s concerns and try to offer words of comfort and support. They ask if there is anything they can do to help their friend prepare for the test.
- Low EI: In the same scenario, the person does not understand why their friend is so worried about a test. They are upset that their friend will not come to a party with them instead of studying.
Social and interpersonal skills
Social and interpersonal skills allow people to interact appropriately with others.
A person who has poor social skills may have difficulty communicating with other people, and they may find it hard to build or maintain relationships.
Examples
- High EI: A friend introduces a person to their new partner. The person makes their friend’s partner feel welcome and includes them in their conversations, being attentive to their body language and emotions.
- Low EI: In the same situation, the person makes crude jokes about their friend’s new partner and does not notice that their friend is uncomfortable with the jokes. When the friend eventually asks them to stop making jokes, the person dismisses this request and becomes defensive and angry. They are unable to regulate their emotional reaction or see the impact of their behavior on others.
It may be difficult for a person to develop and maintain a relationship with someone who has low EI.
Below are some methods that can help people maintain and improve such relationships. It is important to note that these are merely examples. People may wish to try other methods that are specific to their individual relationship or situation.
Accepting the person as they are
It can be difficult to accept negative aspects of a person’s personality. One way to approach this is to focus instead on the positive aspects of their personality.
Encouraging change
It may be possible to help someone improve their EI by gently encouraging certain changes, such as strategies for de-stressing and self-soothing.
A person could also try leading by example. For instance, if a difficult situation arises, they could try showing someone with low EI how to deal with the situation.
Putting in the effort to listen
People with low EI can become easily frustrated if they feel as though they are being misunderstood. An individual can help keep the other person calm by listening to and engaging with what they are saying.
Focusing on facts
A person with low EI can find it difficult to recognize how others are feeling. When talking with someone with low EI, people can avoid confusion by focusing on facts rather than emotion. They could try telling the person with low EI exactly how they feel, rather than expecting them to pick up on their emotional signals.
People can improve and build on their EI in the following ways.
- Practice self-reflection: An individual can ask themselves, “What am I thinking?” and “What am I feeling?” to gain insight into emotional responses.
- Seek feedback from colleagues or loved ones: By asking other how they are perceived, this helps a person gain valuable insights about themself.
- Pay attention to emotional triggers: Being aware of personal emotional triggers can help an individual manage their responses more effectively.
- Take a deep breath and count to 10: In an emotionally triggering situation, this can help a person regain their composure.
- Practice active listening and eye contact: This helps to make others feel heard and valued, fostering better communication.
- Learn about body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions: Understanding these non-verbal cues can improve a person’s social skills and help them to avoid conflict.
- Engage in activities like mindfulness, meditation, and yoga to improve emotional regulation skills
- Pause to reflect before reacting to an emotional situation.
Having low EI means that a person has difficulty recognizing and understanding their emotions and those of others. People with low EI may also have poor emotion regulation and find it difficult to use their emotions to attain personal goals. These issues can make it difficult for people with EI to form and maintain personal relationships.
Individuals may find certain strategies helpful when interacting with a person who has low EI. Examples include accepting someone as they are, helping the person understand how to behave in certain situations, and communicating to the other person how they feel using words rather than subtle behavioral cues.
People can improve or develop their own EI in various ways. Examples include recognizing how the body reacts to certain emotions, asking other people about their thoughts and feelings, and learning to apologize when at fault.
