Narcissistic triangulation is when a person, usually with narcissistic tendencies, involves a third party in a situation or relationship to gain control.
The “triangle” refers to the third person being involved, so that all three people form a figurative triangle. A person with narcissistic traits usually self-serves at the expense of others, and triangulation is a manipulation tactic to get what they may think they deserve or need.
Narcissistic triangulation tactics can make a person experiencing them feel insecure and isolated. The third person may involuntarily reinforce the narcissistic person’s superiority or righteousness. It is important to be aware of and recognize triangulation tactics and learn not to engage.
This article explores narcissistic triangulation, provides examples, and shows how to respond safely.
With narcissistic triangulation, a person with narcissistic traits involves a third party in a two-person conflict. For example, a child being drawn into a conflict between two parents is a form of triangulation. If one of the parents has narcissistic traits or tendencies, they may use triangulation to get control over the other parent or the situation.
Triangulation on its own is not necessarily a negative occurrence. It may aim to help two people resolve a conflict by having the third person mediate and can happen on many occasions, including:
- between friends
- in romantic relationships
- at work between colleagues
- in families between children and parents
Narcissistic triangulation, however, happens when a narcissistic person in a conflict tries to get another person to see them as the victim, the one in the right, or the superior one. They may use a third-party person to gain attention, sympathy, or somebody on their side.
This can form a “two against one” situation, similar to the shape of a triangle. The person being triangulated against may feel ganged up on, isolated, or like the other two people have taken sides.
What does it mean to have narcissistic traits?
A person with narcissistic traits may have narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). Although everyone may display some narcissistic traits, NPD is a diagnosable psychological condition.
Symptoms
- having a need for attention or grandiosity
- displaying a lack of empathy
- having a desire for admiration
- feeling self-importance, particularly over others
- having personality traits including being boastful or arrogant
- being reward-dependent, seeking reward or praise
- acting manipulative for their gain
It is important to be aware of how narcissistic triangulation may look. It usually consists of three roles:
- The person who does the triangulation is usually a person with narcissistic traits who attempts to blame, criticize, and harshly judge another for their wrongdoing.
- The person being threatened with this tactic (the “victim”)
- The mediator or rescuer is brought into the situation to reinforce the superiority of the narcissistic person or support them, making the person experiencing narcissistic triangulation feel isolated and helpless.
Narcissistic triangulation can occur in different situations.
Narcissistic triangulation in romantic relationships
An example of narcissistic triangulation in romantic relationships may involve one person trying to gain control over their partner in a conflict. They can gain control over the narrative and garner support by talking with others about their relationship behind their partner’s back and manipulating a third person into believing they are correct.
They may also use other narcissistic manipulation techniques such as:
- gaslighting, which involves making a person doubt their sanity, making them feel they cannot trust their thoughts, feelings, memories, or even actions
- playing the victim
- projecting their beliefs onto the situation
- conducting a smear campaign
Other forms of narcissistic triangulation in romantic relationships may include the narcissistic partner constantly referring to an ex or others desiring them. This might make the other partner feel they need to perform better for their attention.
Narcissistic triangulation between parents and children
Narcissistic triangulation between parents and children may involve the parents pulling a child into their conflicts. The narcissistic parent may try to manipulate the child to be on their side or like them more.
This can include talking negatively about the other parent, giving them treats or things the other parent does not allow, or aiming to seem like the fun and involved parent.
Narcissistic triangulation in the workplace
Narcissistic triangulation in the workplace may involve gossiping to others about a co-worker or being passive-aggressive toward them.
They may try to get other co-workers to feel a certain way about a co-worker or even manipulate a boss or manager to avoid promoting a person by questioning their abilities.
Narcissistic triangulation may also include a boss comparing employees to one another.
Narcissistic triangulation between siblings
This is often referred to as one child being the scapegoat and the other being the favored child. It happens when parents pit siblings against each other by boosting up the favored child with rewards, praise, love, and affection, while neglecting the scapegoat, being unaffectionate, and making them earn their love.
Narcissistic triangulation: Jack’s story
“I grew up as an only child with a highly narcissistic mother, with years of covert coercive and controlling behaviors that systematically destroyed my life—financially, personally, professionally, and health-wise.
The signs were there before I was even born. My mother told me she only wanted one child because “three people in a family means there’s always going to be an odd one out.” This statement perfectly encapsulated how triangulation would define my entire upbringing and family dynamic.
The most noticeable pattern was the constant flip-flopping of favoritism between myself and my father. This favoritism wasn’t based on love or care—it was purely determined by who could provide the most admiration, validation, and attention.”
Narcissistic triangulation may affect a person in multiple ways, including:
- making a person feel isolated or that no one is supporting them
- lowering their self-esteem
- doubting themselves and their feelings
- insecurity
Narcissistic triangulation: Jack’s story
“My relationship with my father became incredibly fractured because triangulation was used to prevent us from ever fully connecting or bonding. My mother’s fear of losing control if we realized what was happening meant she had to keep us separated, always ensuring one of us was on her side. If I ever voiced any disagreement with her or even mildly debated something, I knew it would become two against one.
The impact on my mental well-being has been profound and long-lasting. Growing up in this environment left me with a disorganized attachment style—I desperately want emotional intimacy and closeness in relationships, but having it makes me feel unsafe and triggers intense internal anxiety.
The triangulation effectively prevented me from having either parent and left me in social isolation, believing only what my mother wanted me to think about myself. It created a childhood full of confusion, without safety or support—a childhood of neglect where I learned that love was conditional and could be withdrawn in an instant if I didn’t maintain my mother’s idea of perfection.”
Those with NPD have a deep desire to control and need others to validate and boost their fragile self-worth.
Narcissistic triangulation is a manipulation tactic. Bringing a third person into a conflict or argument usually changes the dynamic, particularly if the person with narcissistic tendencies influences or manipulates them into supporting a side.
Other reasons for narcissistic triangulation include:
- guiding an argument in one person’s favor, usually the person doing the triangulation
- bolstering the person’s superiority or righteousness
- moving the stress onto the third person
- invalidating the feelings of the person they are in conflict with
- supporting their need for validation and admiration
Triangulation helps the person with NPD or narcissistic tendencies feel superior to the other person in the conflict. This is also known as having a narcissistic supply.
A person with NPD may feel they need a supply of praise, superiority, admiration, and power to feel special and avoid their deep-seated feelings of inferiority. However, a person with NPD may have these feelings or take these actions not necessarily out of malicious intent but due to the condition.
The first step in responding to narcissistic triangulation involves recognizing this manipulation tactic and educating oneself on NPD.
It is important to validate oneself and one’s feelings. This will help an individual to not allow narcissistic triangulation to put them off balance or make them feel as though their emotions are not valid. Seeking emotional support from others, including family members, friends, or professional help such as therapists, is also important.
If a person is in contact with someone who uses narcissistic triangulation, the individual can try to create boundaries that limit the other person’s opportunity to perform these tactics. It may involve talking with a mental health professional and making them aware of tactics. Do not be afraid to limit contact with those who overstep boundaries.
Narcissistic triangulation: Jack’s story
“One of my biggest ongoing challenges, even after years of therapy, is having issues with self-worth, self-advocacy, and self-blame. When triangulation is used against you as a child, you learn that your opinions, wants, and beliefs are worthless unless they match what the triangulator wants.
Education is key. Learning as much as possible about manipulative behaviors and the types of people who display them puts you in the best position to protect yourself and see people for who they are.
Some warning signs to look out for include trusting your gut instinct, watching for patterns of favoritism, and being alert to situations where one person is consistently being used as a messenger or mediator.
When you’re in a situation you can’t immediately escape, one of the most potent tools is naming what’s happening. Keep telling yourself precisely what’s occurring repeatedly: “This person is using triangulation right now. They’re trying to undermine my confidence and damage my self-esteem. I can see this for what it is and will hold onto my reality.” These techniques can only harm you if you don’t recognize them—naming them helps you maintain your grip on reality and takes away some of their power.
The most important thing is to maintain your grip on reality. Surround yourself with people who can validate your experience and perspective—friends, therapists, helplines. You’ll likely feel like you don’t understand yourself anymore, like you used to be confident, but now you’re constantly doubting yourself and your opinions. None of that is true—it’s the effect of triangulation trying to invalidate your confidence and self-worth. Make an active effort to protect and nurture those parts of yourself.”
Narcissistic triangulation is when a person with NPD or narcissistic tendencies manipulates a third person into supporting them, creating an uneven triangle against another and helping them exert control over a situation.
Narcissistic triangulation can cause the person experiencing it to feel isolated and insecure — and even question the validity of their feelings.
It is important to recognize such manipulation techniques and have firm boundaries against anyone who behaves in such a manner. Family, friends, and professional help from therapists can help a person respond appropriately and break free from this form of narcissistic control.
